A Parenting Plan that Works for You and Your Children

download A good, solid, workable parenting plan is worth it’s weight in gold. Think of it as a road-map that will get you off of those confusing unmarked back roads of parenting after divorce and return you to the easy-to-navigate super highway that gets you exactly where you want to go. Sounds nice doesn’t it?

Having a workable, effective plan is more than nice, it’s a necessity for success.

Many Parents have only a Bare Bones Parenting Plan

parenting-plan02 Before I describe the benefits of having an effective parenting plan, let me describe what happens when you don’t have one, or have only a bare bones excuse for a plan. Your children pay the price.

They end up missing out on time with one parent or the other
They miss out on time with their friends or participating in activities
They may not receive timely or adequate medical care
They may not receive important psychological care
They lose touch with grandparents and other extended family
They feel frustrated, sad, disappointed, and angry much of the time because their lives aren’t working very well
They resent their parents for getting divorced in the first place or for putting them in the middle of parental disagreements or power struggles

parenting-plan03 It’s not a pretty picture! And yet, it’s one that I often see among my clients. Why? There are a number of reasons that parents end up with only a minimal or ineffective parenting plan. Chief among them is that parents are trying to think through how they are going to parent their children after divorce during one of the most

stressful, emotion-filled times of their lives. It is an overwhelming, daunting task for even the best of parents.

Many attorneys are well informed and helpful and the divorcing couple is able to craft a good, workable plan. Unfortunately though, there are attorneys who don’t have a very good handle on how to think through the numerous details involved in creating a parenting agreement that works. The families they represent don’t do as well.

And many families don’t ever work with an attorney or mediator, but rather represent themselves in do-it-yourself-divorces. It is pure luck as to whether they are able to design an effective, comprehensive parenting plan.

Benefits of a Well-Designed Parenting Plan

Earlier I said that having a well-designed plan is worth it’s weight in gold to parents. I mean that. When the day-to-day decisions of your life as a parent are planned for and running like clockwork, children and adults alike can breathe easy. When you know how you are going to handle special events, holidays, vacations, medical care etc. your brain and your blood pressure are going to thank you. Of course there will always be some event that hasn’t been planned for – just to keep you on your toes! After all we are talking about human families here. But generally, your life and the lives of your children will go much more smoothly.

Here are just a few of the many benefits of having a good parenting plan:

Peace of mind for adults and children
Less stress
You put a safety net under your children so they don’t fall through the cracks
You are able to focus on parenting your children when they are with you rather than fighting with the other parent
You and your children have a schedule that provides emotional safety and routine
You are able to make plans for the times when you have your children with you and when they are with the other parent
You are able to avoid going back to court to solve parenting disputes

What Goes Into an Effective Plan?

Remember this about your parenting plan: one size does not fit all. The plan you and your child’s other parent develop will be as unique as each of the individuals in your divorced family. The ideal plan will take into consideration all of your family members’ needs – especially your children’s needs. Try to see this experience through your children’s eyes. It will likely be quite different from yours.

Essential Elements

A clear, well defined schedule including provisions for holidays, vacations, school vacations etc.
Outline of who is responsible for making decisions and how those decisions are made if both parents are responsible.

A plan for who provides transportation to the other parent’s home and to extracurricular events etc.
A plan for financial responsibilities for each parent.
A plan for specific parenting responsibilities (e.g. who stays home when a child is sick; who goes on school field trips and other events; who helps with homework; who takes kids to medical and dental appointments etc.)
A forum for managing disagreements when they arise.
A system for sharing information.
A timetable to evaluate and change the parenting plan if needed.

Down to the Nitty Gritty!

parenting-plan04 There are several methods to use to arrive at your perfect parenting plan. You’ll have to decide which one works best for you and your co-parent. Start by checking out the basic parenting plan worksheet. You may also want to invest in a template that walks you step by step through the process. There are some excellent templates available. Two of my favorites are “Creating a Successful Parenting Plan” by Dr. Jayne Major, and “Developing an Effective Parenting Plan e-course” by Dr. Reena Sommer.

You also may want to have a look at some of these sample guidelines developed by family researchers as you work on crafting your parenting plan. Dr. Joan Kelly, Dr. Phil Stahl, and Dr. Robert Emery have all made significant contributions to the what we know about successful parenting plans.

Sample Parenting Plans:

Ideas to Implement

parenting-plan05

These sample parenting plans are offered merely as guidelines. You will of course want to customize the plan you end up using to best fit your family”s needs.

The following professionals have made tremendous contributions to helping divorced families navigate the often-muddy waters of parenting after divorce. We respectfully offer summaries of their sample parenting plans.

Robert Emery, Ph.D

Dr. Emery distinguishes between three types of divorce:

The Angry Divorce
The Distant Divorce
The Cooperative Divorce

Each requires a distinct parenting plan and we have included here sample parenting plans for each type of

divorce. Emery also separates his sample parenting plans according to the developmental stage of the child.

Dr. Emery defines the Angry Divorce in this way: Couples in angry divorces feel rage and pain vividly, have trouble letting go of the marriage, and may be so enmeshed in conflict that emotionally they are as involved in each other’s lives as they were when together.

According to Emery, in The Distant Divorce parents keep their marital conflict pretty well hidden from their children. Many parents with a distant divorce are extremely hurt and angry or frustrated and resentful, and the distance helps keep their rumbling volcanoes from erupting. Distant divorcers are child centered and competent parents. In fact it may be their commitment to their children that keeps them from going to war.

And in Emery’s definition, Cooperative Divorcesare rare at least in the beginning. Cooperative divorces generally involve parents who understand children and empathize with their feelings, and who accept their responsibility as parents. They have done a good job of protecting children from marital conflict.

Now let’s apply these considerations to some sample parenting plans.

Sample Parenting Plan for Children under 18 months:

Angry Divorce

Every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 5:00 P.M., including an afternoon nap.
Every Saturday from 9:00 A.M. until 1:00 P.M.; every Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. to 5:30 P.M., picked up from daycare and returned to other parent’s home.

Distant Divorce

Every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 5:00 P.M., including an afternoon nap; every Wednesday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 6:30 P.M., perhaps spending some time at the residential parent’s home.

Every Saturday from 2:00 P.M. until 6:00P.M.; every Monday and Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. to 5:30 P.M., picked up at daycare and returned to other parent’s home.

Cooperative Divorce

Every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 5:00 P.M., including an afternoon nap; every Monday and Wednesday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.; some contact/feeding/bedtime takes place at residential parent’s home.

Two weekdays from 8:00 A.M. until 1:00P.M. (substituting for child care); every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 5:00 P.M.; occasional Saturday overnights if the baby seems to tolerate them well.

Sample Parenting Plan for Toddlers: – 18 months to 3 Years

Angry Divorce

Every Saturday from 2:00 P.M. until 6:00 P.M. Overnight until 10:00 A.M. on alternate Saturdays.
Every other weekend from 2:00 P.M. on Saturday, with an overnight until 11:00 A.M. on Sunday.

Alternate Monday evenings from 5:00 P.M. until 7:00 P.M. on the Monday following the weekend spent with the residential parent.

Distant Divorce

Every Saturday from 9:00 A.M. until 5:00 P.M., including a nap. Overnight until 9:00 A.M. on alternate Sundays. Every Wednesday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 6:30 P.M.

Cooperative Divorce

Every Saturday from 10:00 A.M. until 10:00 A.M. Sunday. Every Monday and Wednesday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.; some contact/feeding/bedtime takes place at residential parent’s home.

Two weekdays from 1:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. (substituting for child care); every other Friday from 1:00 P.M. until 12:00 P.M. on Saturday.

Sample Parenting Plan for Preschoolers – 3-5 years

Angry Divorce

Every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 2:00 P.M. on Sunday.
Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on Friday until 1:00 P.M. on Sunday. Alternate Mondays from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M. on the Monday following the weekend spent with the residential parent.

Distant Divorce

Every Saturday from 11:00 A.M. until 2:00 P.M. on Sunday. Every other Wednesday evening from 4:30 P.M. to 7:30 P.M.

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on Friday until 3:00 P.M. on Sunday. Every Monday and Wednesday from 11:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M. picked up and returned to day care.

Cooperative Divorce

Two weekdays from 1:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M (substituting for child care). Overnights every Thursday night. Every other weekend Thursday from 1:00 P.M. until 2:00 P.M. on Sunday.

Every Thursday from 5:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday.

Sample Parenting Plan for Early School Age Children from 6-9 Years

Angry Divorce

Every Friday from after school until 5:00 P.M. Saturday.
Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. Friday until 4:00 P.M. Sunday. Alternate Mondays from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M. on the Monday following the weekend spent with the residential parent.

Distant Divorce

Every Friday from after school until 5:00 P.M. Saturday. Every Monday evening from 4:30 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. Thursday until 4:00 P.M. Sunday. Alternate Thursday Evenings from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.

Cooperative Divorce

Every Thursday from 5:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday.
Every Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday with one parent; every Saturday at 5:00P.M. until 3:00 P.M. on Wednesday with the other parent.

Every Monday and Tuesday with one parent; every Wednesday and Thursday with the other parent. Alternate weekends from Friday through Sunday with each parent.

Sample Parenting Plan for Late School-Age Children from 10 – 12 Years

Angry Divorce

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on Friday until 4:00 P.M. on Sunday. Alternate Mondays from 5:00 P.M. until 7:30 P.M. on the Monday following the weekend spent with the residential parent.

Distant Divorce

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on Thursday until 4:00 P.M. on Sunday. Every Monday Evening from 4:30 P.M. until 7:30 P.M.

Cooperative Divorce

Every Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday with one parent; every Saturday From 5:00 P.M. until 3:00 P.M. on Wednesday with the other parent.

Alternate weeks with each parent with exchanges on either Fridays or Sundays.

Sample Parenting Plans for Adolescents from 13 to 18

Angry Divorce

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on Friday until 4:00 P.M. on Sunday. Some flexible contact is possible during other times.

Distant Divorce

Every other weekend from 5:00 P.M. on thursday until 4:00 P.M. on Sunday. Dinner on the “off” Thursday, plus some flexible contact during other times.

Cooperative Divorce

Every Wednesday from 3:00 P.M. until 5:00 P.M. on Saturday with one parent; every Saturday From 5:00 P.M. until 3:00 P.M. on Wednesday with the other parent with more flexibility to meet teenager’s own needs.

Alternate weeks with each parent with some flexible contact.

These sample parenting plans provide a template and ideas from which to work. The days and times can be adapted to fit your particular schedule.